Not alone

I am still here. I haven’t yet managed a sober day but I am staying here. I need help, and your advice, comments and support give me much needed strength. I read and reread the comments here. I know I need more help than the blog, but it is still very important for me to feel that you’re out there.

My AA friend contacts me almost daily. I am going to an AA meeting tomorrow.

I am ok all day, but am crumbling around 5pm. I pour everything away in the morning, then seek out more in the afternoon. Work keeps me busy; its at home that I think, ‘There’s nothing wrong with me! You’re imagining it! Think about something else!’ Then I wake at 3am, knowing that I am in trouble, and that things will never change until I change my way of thinking.

I am two people: the busy, working Annie who is efficient and positive; and the other Annie who is weak and flailing.

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7 thoughts on “Not alone”

  1. You are not alone Annie, I am here. And I will be here till you crack this. What about some therapy? Not necessarily addiction related, but maybe some person centred counselling ? Love lily 🌷X

  2. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but having a huge meltdown, fighting with my husband, smashing my brand new iphone in to a million pieces and hearing my husband comfort the kids with the words ‘mum is very drunk’ was the final straw and the way out of the darkest hole. What would it take for you to quit? If that didn’t stop me then nothing would. Shame, fear, anger……I can’t even begin to describe the emotions. I play it over and over again in my mind and each time I cry. I hope it never lessens, I never want to forget that night. Six days sober here.

  3. Still here for you Annie. Those voices in your head are your addiction speaking – on the course I did it was called your addictive desire – it will do ANYTHING to get you to drink. But your addictive desire is not YOU. You can kick it into touch if you want to but you have to genuinely want to. At the end I would have done anything to get help. Walking into the drug and alcohol addictionc service offices was a massive step for me. I was so ashamed. It wasn’t for people like me – at least that’s what I thought. Get professional help Annie. I don’t want to see a message here from your husband or someone close to you saying you didn’t make it but it is a real possibility. I have to say it Annie because if I don’t and something happens at least I will know I tried. That might sound selfish and brutal but I think it needs to be said. Much Love, Tori xx

  4. Annie, You are indeeed not alone. Your blog post comes at the perfect time. Kate at the Sober School has an online course starting on Monday 3/10. I have registered to do it because I really need it. Let’s do it together. I also have a change of mind about sobriety at 5pm despite firm intentions early in the morning – the vicious circle continues.

  5. Hi Annie, I have been following your blog for a while now, but haven’t felt I have had anything to offer you as I was struggling with my own demons. I am now 127 days AF. I know exactly how you feel, you are not alone and there is hope. Einstein said that the very definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result! You are not going to get a different result unless you do something very different. I know the shame involved with this, it is overwhelming at times. The fear that you must keep your secret or face ruination! Although that isn’t true, most people would admire us for facing up and tackling this head on, we simply can not allow ourselves to do that. But….. I do think that the time may have come for you to seek help in more structured practical environment. I don’t know if you have sought out any residential treatment centres or what your financial situation is. I really think a big step is needed for you. I am here, we all are! Xx

  6. When I first went to AA back in January, I left because no one had “my story”. Yesterday, a woman spoke at the meeting and talked about how her “soul was crushed”. And that’s what brought her into AA– not a DWI or a lost job or a broken marriage. She put into words what alcohol did/does to us.
    So happy you’re going back to AA. You never have to be alone.

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